Ben: Diary of a Heroin Addict
As a bright schoolboy from a loving, middle-class family Ben Rogers was expected to make a success of his life. Raised in a quiet, picturesque village Ben was a Boy Scout, loved cricket, played in the school orchestra and looked forward to the annual family holiday. But despite his privileged start in life Ben found himself on the road to ruin, injecting heroin up to four times a day.
During his last months, Ben kept a video diary of his drug use and desperate attempts to come off heroin. Ravaged by the drug, Ben's body began to break down: he developed DVT and his veins were rendered so useless he had to inject into his groin. Despite his family's best efforts, Ben couldn't stop. He was haunted by, and hooked on, heroin.
Ben: Diary of A Heroin Addict charts his lies and manipulation as he mixes his next hit whilst telling his mother Anne he is clean and making a new start. It reveals Annes anger and tears as Ben loses his fight against the drugs and shows how father Mikes unconditional love continues undiminished as they are forced to deal with their sons addiction.
Director Olly Lambert comments: It's incredibly rare to come across such raw and unflinching footage of a man so close to an abyss. I was speechless when I first watched it. I hope the film finishes what Ben had begun: to give people a visceral understanding of the nature of addiction. It has been a privilege to try and unpick who Ben really was using the intimate legacy hes left behind.
"I hope to god you look at these videos and see what a mess I got myself into." Ben Rogers.
I was totally f****d for years ,luckily went to a rehab for a year 2002 and then found ayahuasca ,you drink it ,you purge ,you cry and you heal ,you have visions of the past ,and rewire the parts of ur brain that coke and heroin rewire when u take them ,demonic posession is the closest thing i can describe addiction as ,maybe the drugs are hexxed with black magic ..............
Prevent ill health - Modern medicine only targets treating us when we're ill.
These attacks are generally linked to physical symptoms including nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to light, and sound.
So far, exercise and balanced diets are considered as a couple of
the key factors contributing to properly body.
Thanks extremely practical. Will share site with my pals.
Prison would have probably helped. He would got three square meals a day, health care, all while slowly being allowed to get off the drug. Rest his soul though.
Don't judge, less you be judged, too many beautiful people are taken by this drug, they are ill, not criminals.
This story was heartbreaking! I confess that I didn't read all of the comments. I wonder if he had access to suboxone? I think it could have helped him tremendously. I know several people who've been able to get their lives back together because of it.
Today many detox facilities recognize that abrupt withdrawl can and usually do cause a myriad of fatal results as what Ben suffered, heart attacks, kidney failure, liver failure, etc., so gradual withdrawl is now becoming the norm. I have watched this video several times alone and with friends and each time is like watching it for the first time.Here is hope that Ben and his father are resting in the arms of angels and the remainder of the family is or is becoming recovered and not feeling the emotion of guilt, as they have zero to feel guilty about.
shouldve gave the man methadone waffers. sure he wouldnt have died that way. what a load of bullshit. some people will never understand
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Did you actually watch the film ????
And what a terrible father you would make god hope you impatent bro
Father I pray in the name of Jesus deliver Ben and every other addict from this horrible bondage according to your promise, whosoever shall call on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ shall be saved.
It's sad every time it happens... Ben and other addicts do not lack will power and are not immoral. Opioid addiction can happen to anyone given the circumstances and this film is a perfect example of that. Addiction is a chronic (long-term) disease and unfortunately detox alone does not help many people and can be very dangerous since tolerance goes down and if users relapse they often go back to their usual dose. The addiction changes the way the brain functions and withdrawal feels like death. We need quality opioid replacement programs with either methadone and suboxone, safe injeciton sites and nalaxone (the drug that reverses the effects of opioids and prevents overdose from respiratory depression if given quick enough). Also, an understanding public and health care system. That's my rant. I work in addictions. My heart goes out to all addicts, their families and our communities. Addiction affects us all.
Ben was so cash. I can't believe his mom was such a bitch to him when he wasn't hurting anyone just having a bit of fun. They should have paid for an apartment for him and given him money for drugs, its the only way he can chill and have fun without his family bitching at him all the time.
What an awfully sad thing for an entire family to experience, the absolute heartache his father would have felt in those weeks before he passed.
This is something that should be shown in all high schools. In grade 12, nearing end of year, my teacher played High On Crack Street: Lost Lives In Lowell, and at that age it put fear in me.
I have such admiration for every post above me where someone is telling their story of the struggle to sobriety.
The Rogers family I'm so sorry, and very much saddened for this ending to have turned out as it did, Ben was too young, and the hold that this disease had on him was truely a very heavy weight he carried with him, I feel for you and your family, for the pain you must have been in going through this right along side of Ben, he is and will always be your baby boy, I was so Praying for this story to have a happy ending but tragically it did not, my prayers are with you Ben and your father, for you are together again now, and my prayers are with the Rogers family, Ben may you finally rest in Heaven with Jesus and the Angels, for the Lord heals all from every sickness and disease.
Close to home. Thank you, Ben, for sharing your bravery, and thank you for posting this very important doc.. My eldest brother recently passed from Heroin Withdrawal on 9/29/15. I wrote a piece on it on 10/6/15.
(btw, I am a recovering alkie, 4 1/2 yrs sober) .
I have struggled with heroin addiction for many years. It is such an awful drug and an awful thing to go through. Hopefully most of you will never have to deal with this or have a family member go through this hell.
This was so sad but it gives people an out look that any body from any backgrond be addict and to know how hard can be to come away from it rest in peace ben xxxxxx
soooooooo sad cant even to watch
This is so sad for the family but a real eye opener for me as I have a friend that is using and this diary has made me realise how sick my friend is I'm worried for him and I hope his family don't go thru what bens family did I may sound selfish but I need to cut all ties with the person I know because I feel like I'm becoming a victim as I get manipulated lied to and I thought it was me doing and saying wrong things but I now know it's all part if herion users behaviour and I shouldn't have to put myself through that can soneone please tell me if I'm being selfish
so sad, I feel so bad for him and his family
Heroin is a nightmare. It makes you eat yourself from the inside and hands you the proverbial spoon to do it with. You can do any drug in the world a million times, but once that dope hits your throat you know deep in your heart that you've found what will make you feel brilliantly, exuberantly alive and also be your dry, absolute end.
I've been clean over 19 months and I must say getting clean and staying sober has been both the hardest and most rewarding thing I've ever accomplished. When I reached detox I weighed 81 lbs - a malnourished, dehydrated shell of a person. Anyone reading this who uses drugs - you don't have to suffer anymore. At some point you'll decide you've had enough, that you don't want to do this anymore. The only question is, will you make that choice too late?
Much love and openness in your lives.
I've been on opiates for almost 15 yrs...mostly methadone. The easiest way to detox Is very slowly. 1-5 mgs per wk. I tapered to 20 mgs then cold turkey. I have never been so sick. I started doing heroin to ease the methadone withdrawl. I was doing heroin for a month and a half and went into detox 21 days ago. When I got outta detox I went on suboxone. I've been off suboxone 3 days and am determined to stay off opiates. I wish u luck in getting off the methadone. Its not easy and the hardest and longest detoxes of any opiates. The slower u taper off of it the easier it will b. Good luck
I'm just getting off methadone and have lived that life myself! My little brother is in heaven with Ben, he died of an overdose. God loves us all and most of the junkies I've known in my life are really great people.
Such a sad documentary that will perhaps make people less judgemental and show not all addicts come from unsettled backgrounds.
I intend to show my son this documentary at 12 in hopes drugs will not a appear glamorous.
To Ben's family , hopefully this documentary will help people, addicts and families or even those curious. Your family support was exemplary, I wish you well, Ruth.
I hope that he is in a better place now. I am writing a book about 4 alcoholics and their journey over a year. My prayers go to his family an the amazing love and compassion they must have had. What a miracle. I have been clean and sober for almost 90 days and in recovery since August 2010. I pray if you are struggling with drugs and /or alcohol. Please please come to an Alcoholics Anonymous. Cocaine Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous meeting. We have a solution and there is hope for us all ! Just Google any of the above and find a meeting near to you or call the local helpline.
This is one of the saddest documentaries I have ever seen. I think because I know what he was chasing. What Ben was after. That moment when you feel like you are wrapped in a warm electric blanket. You feel loved. You feel in the moment. You feel happy. Until your dealer runs out or you lose your job and everything you've worked for so you can buy your medicine. I think there is a lot of truth to the line in the movie where she said it's not sustainable, it's not a way to live. That is the only reason anyone ever has to quit, if they are able to see that it is not conducive to life. You will not be able to ever balance something that takes up that much focus in your day is bound to get in the way
of your life.
Ok, here is the situation. I brought my 22 yr old baby cousin to my home to try to help him get clean. We are day 3 and while with his Dad yesterday evening he tried to take off. I am a RN so managing his physical withdrawals hasn't been too much of a problem. He is being quite open with me when he starts feeling bad or worse, if he is having diarrhea, if he is getting "itchy" or starting to have pain. I was up front with him when I brought him out here that I was here to support him and do whatever he needed to continue to stay clean. I told him the rules up front and he agreed: no calls from drug friends, no contact with the ex-gf who has a restraining order on him and coaxed him to start doing the heroin, he is to keep his room and bathroom clean, and he is to continue to be open with me regardless if it is good or bad. Over the last 24 hours he has told me a lot of things that none of us knew. He had just started using 3 months ago when he moved in with the ex-gf, he has not always used clean needles but have not used anyone else's but ones he used, said he found out when he moved in the gf he found out she has Hep C and has continued having unprotected sex. So we have an appt to get him screened for Hep/HIV/STDs. He has goals he would like to obtain in life and we are working on a plan together to get there. Guess my question is: Does anyone have any other suggestions for me to help him get off the Heroin, stay off the Heroin without a lot of fighting. So far emotionally when he is with me, he just has crying spells. He told his Dad he doesn't like to be away from me because he is comfortable and doesn't feel like he is being judged. If I have something I have to do, I have him go with me. If I have somewhere I have to go, he goes if possible if not I take him to his Dad so he is not unsupervised. Any suggestions for anything else to help him would be greatly appreciated.
I'm so glad to see you get through your hard times. I've followed your comments for a few months and can see you have a good heart but just struggling to remain clean. Suicide is never a good option. It hurts so many people, even ones you wouldn't think of. "I" care, and I'm a stranger to you! I'm going to watch this site every couple of months and fully believe the next time you post something you will be posting that you're still clean and doing even better! I believe you can do this!!!!
Rest in peace Ben......
I am 6 months clean off herion now, and am 23 years old. Your story has touched but also shocked me. I never want to go back there and watching this has instilled it even more in to my head. So thank you Ben R.I.P
And my prayers go out to the family.
Opiate Heroin addiction is tough to quit. It's much more than the physical withdrawals. The feeling from opiates/Heroin allows you to maintain full consciousness, but also withdraw into a secure, cocoon-like state of physical and emotional painlessness. Heroin is seen as an escape to tranquility, a liberation from anxiety and stress: it is a way out of the drudgery of life. The feeling is like no other and feels so normal at the same time. I have been off of it for 3 years now and doing well, but I still have days were I reminisce of my rituals and the feeling. It was like giving up a best friend. Another poster is right. It's not as much about drugs but how you feel. You find a cure to the anxiety of existence and now you have to give it up.
Is as creepy as is real!..
Peace for ben's parents. In my opinion they are the heros in the history.
Quit for most of the people is not a matter of want..
All the adicts, after the "honeymoon heroin's period" truthfully want to quit.
Because it gets a point where you can't live with or without heroin. you just feel agony when you don't have it and agony when you have it.
You crying out loud when you shot and you crying out loud when you have nothing to shot.
It's a paradox, a hard one.
It's the most painfull strugle that I've been passing throuth and it's the most chronical despair state of mind...
I just wish the best for those ones who suffer without being able to stop.
Try again tomorow.
Vienna, I'm not a drug user, but I know you did not "drive" him to do drugs, it's his own personal choice "and" the fact he's addicted! With you just having had a misscarraige (I'm sorry for your pain) he's the one that should be comforting you! You need some sort of professional advice on how to possibly get him some help. Best wishes to you both!
i drove my husband back to heroin due to bitching at him all the time and misscarrigeing last week i feel so guilty i dont no what to do or say i just feel like he is lieing to me can any one give me some advice need to do something as its my 1 year old daughter that is suffering cause of the arguments please need advice
Also to John,
I think 99% of what you listed is "right on". I wish you the best too!
You really should go into some sort of mental health thearpy (while you are trying to quit) to help you determine "why" you feel that you're not confortable being yourself. I'm not a therapist, but toook quite a lot of Psychology in college. Drugs "may" be your answer to numb yourself as to why you're not comfortable with yourself. You'll possibly find the answers after you've quit drugs and will be thinking with a clear mind!
You really should go into some sort of mental health therapy (while you are trying to quit) to help you determine "why" you feel that you're not
"comfortable" being yourself. I'm not a therapist, but took quite a lot of Psychology in college. Drugs "may" be your answer to numb yourself as to why you're not comfortable with yourself. You'll possibly find the answers after you've quit drugs and will be thinking with a clear mind. You seem like a good person that is legitimately trying very hard to quit. I wish you the very best
in your quest to find your happiness or contentment.
THINGS TO HELP QUIT DRUGS OR OTHER ISSUES
some things to help quit and probably more importantly to not go back (drugs or other problems)
just things off the top of my head - no order - not edited
hope this helps someone anyone even me
1. ^people, places, things - anything that triggers it; avoid them
2. try starting small then go big - babay steps 1st: cut down before quitting
3. use anything that helps, change accordingly, discard what doesnt
4. try helping someone else
5. positive thinking - think before you speak...think before you toke
6 write it down - tattoo it on your forehead so you dont forget
7. dont wait to hit rock bottom - cause its too late and really jhust an excuse to keeep going although its never too late
8 have someone slap you hard - wake up; grow up; smarten up
9, find otherthings to do. jog walk sports, other drugs whatever
10 avaoidance - out of sight out oif mind
11 if your broke your probably ok but when you get money all of a suddent your niot ok, seen this so many times...when you get money try buying gifts instead of running to dealer
12 get rid of and avoid all drug related dealers, friends, parapeniallia, movies, music clothes,,whatever if you have numbers memorized then try to scramble them inb yoiur mind to help forget
13 find something else you enjoy or as substitute and do that instead
14 go to church - seriously just bite your lip waalk into the closest one and embrace the change even if your not religious or belive -
15 take a a vacation - 1 day to 1 year
16 drop everything, everyone and move and keep moving if needed,
17 just say no and add go f--k yourself also
18 write a list oif pros and cons
19 admit you have a problem - way it outloud, tell others and ask for help (to move, get awaym not call, admittal, not empower you with money...whatever
20 try cold turkey or cut backs - record or schedule progress
21. avoid bad embrace good - whether its people, places, things whatever ....as an example
GOOD middle class home, no drugs, no gunbs, clean, normal (eat sleep work school) caring, family, friends, loving people
BAD projects, drugs, guns, projects, filth, criminals, dont give a shit about you
22, get mad and HATE DRUGS AND THE ASSOCIATIONS TO IT,
23. if you dont stop thats not failure, keep tryiong to quit until you do. Failure is not trying
24. if drugs comes to your mind ( to score or do...) wait 5 mins, your mind will think of something else besides that
25 look at addicts, watch them and thinkésay to yourself why would anyone do that its so stupid (because of whatever you dont like)
26 if your going to get high with a group of people, when its your turn - pass the 1st hit (baby steps) even if your addicted you should get the second turn - if everyone else hasnt smoked it yet! greedy bastardsone
if you passed, then do number 25. above!
27. whatever your drug is(ill use a joint as an examle): get it, roll it, put it in your mouth but never light it - use it to tease yourself and test your self control. I KNOW EASIER SAID THAN DONE
28. if 27 doesnt work or makes youi breqak down and cry with typicall self pity bs then get mad and kill the chit - throw it squash it flush it
29. for everything you accomplish treat yourself or someone youve abused to a treat - movie gift meal ...
30. if your really addicted or on hard drugs, set small achievable goals to not do it. ie, with cigs i smoke 1st thing in morning, aftyer i eat, after sex, during work breaks or lunch, on way to work or home....so start off by skipping morning cig (or at least delay it) then next day or week skip morning cig and on way to work cig...
31 figure out what causes triggers and avoid these things: seeing drugs, drinking, boredom, habital...
32 go to school, take a free course, get a job - learn tio do somethuing new, interesting and long term thats hard or fun
33. try to convince someone to quit with you.
34. if offered say Honestly and convincingly NO THANKS I DONT DO DRUGS, OR I QUIT DONT OFFER ME NONE PLEASE
35, SLAP YOUR SELF OR GET SOMEONE TO SLAP YOU EVERYTIME YOU THINK OF DOPE - HARD CUZ YOU DESERVE IT
36 Dont let a hard time, frustration or similar trigger make you say :f--k it i want to get high now` ie. you wife pisses you off so you run to the bar and use that as what a 12 year old would do
I DONT CARE WHETHER ITS A CIG OR HEROIN
ONCE YOU CAN ````NOT WANT```` TO` DO DRUGS WHEN ITS IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU HAVE MONEY (EVEN ONCE) THEN PAT YOUR SELF ON THE SHOULDER AND SMILE CAUSE YOUR WELL ON YOUR WAY
IF YOU CAN DO THIS ALL THE TIME ID SAY, YOU QUIT FOR GOOD
GO HELP OTHERS
This is quite possibly that the most harrowing thing I have ever seen. I feel so sorry for Ben and his family. As an addict I know what its like to be using against your own will. If people could stop by willpower alone there would be very few drug addicts in this world. I, like ben, came from a loving home, a middle class background, was brought up well. I did well in school, became a qualified electrician yet felt like a failure. I've never felt comfortable being me and where that came from I don't know. I ended up homeless, sleeping rough, injecting smack, smoking crack, and taking any other drugs I could get my hands on. I lost everything. I tried to quit many times, getting a few days clean and going back on drugs. I went into rehab 2yrs ago, for 14 weeks, and I relapsed within 2weeks of getting out. Homeless again. Using against my will again. Not wanting to die but not wanting to live anymore. Nobody can understand the mental torture one goes through unless they have been there themselves. I tried rehab again, lasted a week, came out relapsed. homeless for another 3months. rehab again, this time twenty weeks, came out, relapsed after two weeks again. I was lost all hope. I didn't want to be using drugs, but I didn't know how to live without them. I asked for help, willing to do anything. stayed clean for two months relapsed again. got clean for three months relapsed again. Crashed my car, nearly died. haven't used since, but that was only 2months ago, but everything feels different this time but I still battle with it. My point is, I've wanted nothing more than to be clean for years now, yet here I am still battling with it today. Addiction is something I will never understand. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
T Climing, I'm really happy for you! Hopefully the hard stuff is all behind you now and you're set for a much better and more meaningful life! Wishing you good will and a strong desire to keep straight. You seem to be putting in the work that it takes to quit "for good"!
I quit heroin six years ago after going to rehab for a month and have not touched it since. I didn't really sleep for almost three weeks while detoxing. I did the meetings and all that... I didn't get into the AA propaganda, it just was not for me. Most of the people were great though. I found that you have to really want to quit and come to terms with what the root cause of your addiction is - you - Being an addict was f*cking horrible. I used to pound my legs with my fists because they hurt so bad when I was dopesick. I am happy, productive, and feel good most of the time these days. It can be done. Keep your head up. Do it for you. Now to quit smoking...
all of these people who believe in god are annoying. anyways, without god's help, i stopped smoking weed in grade 10 and from then on never touched a drug since. i have a fear of needles and i dont even want to watch a video where some dude injects him self several times a day. from the comments the movie sounds brutal and i feel for his family, if he even had one.
I have a friend that is going through this right now. I try to help and there is nothing I can do about it. I see he is killing himself and I know he is going to die. im powerless. all i can do is pray for him. I will show his this doc, hopefully it will help him to be normal again :(
i wish all the best for bens family.may god give ben a nice place in heaven...
This is absolutely awful, nobody should ever have to go through this. Ever. Ive never seen a documentary this brutal before.
I wish the best for Ben's family and friends.
Epicurus, I respect your opinion, but we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. I'm sure neither of us will change the other's thoughts about God and his works, but I wish you the Best!
Interestingly enough, religion does help many junkies to quit.
It seems like addiction is such intensely powerful experience, only the promise of the infinite God, of heaven and hell, of sin and redemption... can compete with it. It shows how powerful religions are!
If person has already lost its intellectual independence to heroin, maybe loosing it to religion is a lesser evil?
It substitutes one addiction for another.
Ahh the born again Junkie i' have known a few in my time and let me tell you the revelations of someone who is in a state of full blown drug addiction count for almost nothing.
Dear Epicurus, I'm sorry that you think God is not "real", but if you ask millions of addicts they will probably tell you they quit "by the grace of God". I'm not saying that believing in God is the "ONLY" way to quit, I'm just saying, for many people that have tried everything and still not able to quit on their own, they may also call on God and if they have FAITH, he will help them to quit. Telling them to pray is "not" setting them up for failure, if they believe in God! And I do ask God to Bless these people and I will continue to pray for their release from their addictions.
yes @susieq6000 i m completely agree with u.we cant do for any one until god allows and bless him.....